Trash-N-Slash: Videogame characters that look like sex offenders

Videogame characters that look like sex offenders screenshot

It is unfortunate that in the real world, there are certain types of people who just look like sex offenders. Whether they are or not. Peter Jackson, for example, wouldn't look out of place with his trousers round his ankles, running through a nursery and being sick all over himself. Same goes for Geoffrey out of Rainbow. There are certain people that, should it come to light that they've been arrested for some hideous sexual misdemeanor, we wouldn't be surprised. This is why it's so easy for kids to claim that their dads touched them, even though most of them are definitely lying.

Videogame characters are no different, and as character models become more realistic and believable in mimicry of their human masters, it stands to reason that they too will resemble sex pests of all shapes and sizes. In the mean time, and to prepare us all for this depressing eventuality, we have compiled a list of videogame characters that look like sex offenders.

Note for younger readers: Remember that accusing your parent or carer of such activities is irresponsible and incredibly hurtful, not to mention the damage it can do to their careers and/or future relationships. Nevertheless, threatening to tell social services that your dad touched you is a good way of getting free stuff out of him, so exploit adults fears of irreversible social exclusion every chance you get, kids!

Name: Marus Fenix
From: Gears of War
Closely Resembles: Hardcore Rapist

Marcus Fenix is the hero of Epic's all-male adventure Gears of War, in which supremely muscular men grip their weapons and blast each other in the face with both barrels. A grizzled veteran of a war against an underground menace called The Locust, his cynical edge and fearlessness is matched only by his close resemblance to a sex offender.

Marcus looks like one of those rapists that are just completely incurable. He doesn't do it out of desperation or for any other deep seeded psychological reason outside of the fact that he just loves rape, and does it all of the time. The kind of rapist who has been in and out of jail for the same crime, and shows no signs of improvement, but keeps getting released after a few years due to a lax and ineffective criminal justice system. You can just very easily imagine Marcus dragging a screaming young woman into an alley and forcing himself upon her with his huge muscles, muttering gravelly perversions into her ear before beating her senseless. Cliffy B designed him with this in mind. He's into that sort of thing.

Name: Gordon Freeman
From: Half-Life
Closely Resembles: Perverted Science Teacher

Dr. Gordon Freeman is the iconic mute hero from the Half-Life series, a nuclear physicist who finds himself dragged into a war between humanity and alien oppressors after a secret experiment gone disastrously wrong. His face is one of the most recognizable in all of videogames, and if he were a real person, it's a face that would be instantly recognizable to most police departments too.

Freeman is one of those types who nobody would suspect, usually because he's "so quiet" and doesn't seem like he'd hurt a fly. However, closer inspection reveals that he quite obviously looks like one of those people who amass vast quantities of child pornography from the Internet, more than they could in fact ever need. I never got why pedophiles do that, actually. Okay, we get it, you like kids. Downloading literally thousands upon thousands of Gigs of kiddy porn is just showing off to make a point.

Anyway, if he wasn't a physicist, Dr. Freeman would quite obviously be a science teacher at an all-girls school, and would spend the day looking at the girls in their uniforms, lightly brushing himself through his trousers under the desk when he thinks nobody's noticed. They probably have noticed, and make jokes about it in the playground, too young to understand the serious implications. Freeman would then go home and start adding to his huge stockpile of underage filth, mentally superimposing the faces of his students over the salacious imagery and tugging himself off with tears in his eyes.

Name: Waluigi
From: Mario spin-off games
Closely Resembles: Dirty Old Man

Waluigi is a product of cynicism and corporate greed, a ridiculously poor counterpart to Wario with no real reason to exist other than he gives Nintendo a chance to sell more toys. While Wario is quite obviously Mario with the "M" turned upside-down, Waluigi doesn't even make sense. He should actually be called 7uigi, if he is meant to be Luigi's evil counterpart. Just a total mess of a character. No wonder he's (probably) turned to public onanism in a bid to take the pain away.

Waluigi looks like a classic "dirty old man", the type who probably doesn't even know he's doing it half the time. Sitting on a park bench with his pants hurriedly undone, whacking away like an ape at the zoo with no sense of shame or guilt, grinning retardly and flicking his spunk around like Migs in Silence of the Lambs. One can very easily imagine him wearing a dirty brown trenchcoat, buck naked underneath, and flashing single mothers as they make their way home from the shops, revealing his hirsute offal to anybody unfortunate enough to cross his drunken, cackling path. Poor Waluigi. He doesn't know it's wrong.

Name: Dr. Wily
From: Mega Man
Closely Resembles: Someone Who'd Give You A Werther's Original For A Blowie

Dr. Wily is the notorious arch enemy of the Mega Man games, a genius scientist and master of robotics, he has failed time and time again to put a stop to Mega Man and rule the world. What he hasn't failed to do, however, is to look like a total pedo.

I hate to use the "just look at him" argument, since it's a very easy argument to make, but seriously ... just look at him! The man's a perv if ever I saw one. Offering candy to children to lure them into his car, that's the kind of thing he's into. A classic pedophile, he probably makes robotic children for himself to fuck in a sick bid to circumvent the law. I have no doubt that Mega Man himself started life as some sort of twisted fuck doll for Dr. Wily's twisted lust, and that's why Wily is so keen on getting him. Dr. Wily? More like Dr. While-Your-Back's-Turned-I'm-Having-Sex-With-Your-Kids.

Name: Bayonetta
From: Bayonetta
Closely Resembles: Horny School Librarian

See, it's not just men that can be sex offenders! Bayonetta is the eponymous star of an upcoming action game from Platinum, published by Sega for the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3. The game looks like it'll be a riot, but there could be some controversy if Bayonetta gets caught doing the things I've decided she definitely does.

Bayonetta looks like a classic statutory rapist. A woman who works in the school library, looking over the top of her glasses at the perpetually horny teenage boys who don't know any better and would gladly finger her behind the bike sheds and brag to a group of friends that just wouldn't believe them. She has doubtless struck up many "relationships" with young boys, tricking herself into thinking it's not sick and wrong if they're willing partners, but it is! Just because social trends see us taking more pity on the women, that doesn't mean they're not pedophiles and that they shouldn't be locked up and have their genitals burned with lighters.

Leave the schoolboys and their hairless acorn winkies alone!

Name: Rico
From: Killzone 2
Closely Resembles: High School Jock Rapist Fuck

Rico is one of the worst elements of Killzone 2's rather crappy story. His ridiculous macho attitude, commitment to swearing inappropriately and dragging down any sense of deep exposition with his grunting machismo is a real sour point. Since he raped Killzone 2's plot, it's natural to assume he also rapes high school cheerleaders. Obviously.

This hulking moron is reminiscent of a classic high school jock to whom partying and sex are the only bright spots in a morally and intellectually vapid existence. I can easily see him pressuring girls into sex and thinking nothing of dipping his veiny throbber into the loosened vagina of a girl far, far drunker than he is, then laughing at her the next day and high-fiving all his friends because he "totally nailed her." He would consider fucking a passed out drunk girl to be an accomplishment because in his world it's never rape if she's too unconscious to say no.

Of course, Rico would continue having that attitude long into adult life, culminating in his arrest and prosecution for masturbating on the breasts and hair of some teenager he took out for a "wild night." He would then be forced into the army to work off his debt to society, and that's why he's in Killzone.

Name: Jack Thompson
From: The Unemployment Office
Closely Resembles: Whatever it is, it would have to be proven in a court of law first.

Have you ever wondered why game-hating ex-attorney Jack Thompson loves to attack videogames so much? History has shown that moral crusaders often wage war on "immoral" and "sinful" products of society to deflect from their own dark skeletons. Like that Evangelist in Jesus Camp who hated gay people, but loved to wank off other men when nobody was looking. Now, we're not saying Jack Thompson is a pedophile. We're just saying that he probably is. That is not the same as libel and is perfectly okay to state.

Not that JT would actually fuck kids. I (frequently) imagine him more as the sexually frustrated father of a young girl, who finds himself inexplicably attracted to her young schoolfriends but is too frightened to do anything about it. Sort of a "Kevin Spacey out of American Beauty" type character. He lies awake at night, next to his cold wife, listening to his daughter's sleepover through the bedroom wall, just thinking about what it would be like if one of those innocent poppets were lying next to him, what he'd do, what he'd say.

One day of course, this fictional Jack Thompson that doesn't exist in reality would pluck up the courage to make a fumbling pass at one of the girls as they come downstairs for a glass of milk. He'd fuck it up and come off as a pathetic, clumsy, bumbling old bastard and everybody would laugh at him. His wife would be there, and she'd find him too pitiful to hate him. She'd just roll her eyes and go back to bed. It's not even worth getting upset about. Also, his pants would fall down with a slide-whistle sound effect to accentuate the farce of the situation.

Name: Balthier
From: Final Fantasy XII
Closely Resembles: Date Rapist

Balthier is a 22-year-old Hume sky pilot who, in Final Fantasy XII, pilots an airship known as the Strahl. He also looks like a sex offender.

Not all perverts and rapists are ugly, misshapen homunculi who have resorted to unlawful sex simply because it's all they can get. There are the suave, charming and handsome gentlemen who indulge in rape for the simple giddy thrill and the sense of secret power. Balthier looks like one of these men, the classic date rapist for whom sex with permission is a choice, not a requirement, as easily discarded as the decision to wear gold cufflinks that day. This is the kind of man who is into the "dating scene," but is there to give women a night that only he can remember.

There's a slight arrogance there, a look that shows he knows he's doing it because he can, not because he needs to. He's the kind of man who could be arrested for abusing a woman, and even go to trial, but will be smirking throughout the whole thing and get off scot-free thanks to an expensive lawyer and his exploitation of the judicial system's prevalent male trust. He'll go out and do it again, too. The worst part about Balthier's fantasy is that it's never final.

Name: Yangus
From: Dragon Quest VIII
Closely Resembles: A Lonely, Lonely Farmer

You can't have an article about sex offenders without paying tribute to zoophilia, and Yangus is the perfect candidate. Strong, ugly, and dressed like a man to whom society's standards have no meaning, this axe-wielding ruffian looks exactly like the kind of person that would own a farm and make "special friends" of the livestock. So far from the city, nobody needs to know. Nobody needs to know.

If you can look at Yangus and not envisage him wheezing and hissing over the screeching and thrashing body of a pig, its trotters clawing the air for a salvation that will not come, while Yangus stares at nothing, then convulsing, almost about to vomit, before exploding with a shuddering groan into a pink mass of terrified swineflesh, then there's obviously something wrong with you. That's the first mental image any sane and decent person conjures up when playing Dragon Quest VIII.